Learning to trust and be flexible.

Hello all,

I'm not in a writing mood. Bear with me.

I need to write. Writing, to me, may be like breathing. Our emotions and feelings need a way of getting out of us and into an action. Something tangible. Something we can understand.  Maybe all confusion starts to fade away the moment the words hit the paper--or in my case, this word document.   I keep a journal of anything worth documenting on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I look back on the things I have written and I find it amazing to see the progression of myself.  It's good to keep track of progression. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a rut without any movement. When I look back on what I have gone through, I am encouraged because I can see just how far I have come.   It's healthy. 

On Tuesday I received an email from the leader of the PhotogenX program saying that the program has been pushed back by 3 months. As I mentioned in my previous update, they are having trouble landing an additional staff member and it sounds like there are a few other complications. Because of this, they have decided to move the date back to the 5th of April-rather than the 5th of January. 

Needless to say, I was quite caught off guard by this.  Mentally, I think I was already gone.  Over this past year, my mindset has been: "You are leaving in January for 18 months".  It's funny how we make plans for ourselves without ever considering any other outcomes--and then we literally are struck down in our tracks because we never planned for such a thing to happen.  Because of this situation, I find myself asking the question: "Is this me, or God?" Have I become so fixated on the way I want my plans and life to unfold that I have completely disregarded any possible direction from God?  Don't get me wrong; I believe that God has placed these specific dreams, passions and desires within me for a reason. A specific image comes to mind:  An employee may be given a task to complete but that, by no means, gives him the skills, knowledge and abilities to complete it. Sooner or later, that employee will hit a block and realize he/she needs help to complete the task. From there, he/she needs to make a decision to ask for help or try and do it himself/herself. I can imagine that these two finished tasks would look completely different.  We don't have all the answers.  We are given these dreams and desires from God, but then we must team up with him and work on them together to see them become a reality. Just as we must be in constant relationship with God, we must also be in partnership.

Are we flexible?

When I first read the disappointing words in the email, I felt angry, confused, and frankly, pissed off!  I had a plan!

I can look back at my own reaction in that situation with concern. It's a little scary that I reacted that way.  It all goes back to trust. I mentioned that in a previous update. I DO NOT trust God as much as I should.  As I have been preparing to leave on this journey. One of the recurring impressions has been the fact that this experience is going to stretch and challenge me; Specifically in the area of trusting God with everything.  Another growing experience…. 

What am I going to do for 3 months?!

I don't know.  Maybe that is the best answer I could give.  I don't know. I had these 3 months full and now they are wide open. God has a funny way of getting us exactly where He wants us to be.  He knows that I want to be in that place, though I may protest at times.  I'm trying to take on a new optimism through this situation.  God's got a plan. I don't know what it is but I need to trust that He knows what I am doing. 

Work?!

My jobs are just ending now because that strange white stuff has hit the ground and it doesn't look like it's leaving. I am thrilled for it to be here..  I wasn't planning on having to find another job but, oh well… 

As I look back on all the amazing events that have taken place in my life; I can't help but feel a little secure in the fact that God has got me and this whole thing is going to work out.  Countless situations, though scary and confusing at the time, have come through for the better.  I expect nothing less.

If you have made it this far, I applaud and thank you.

I am going…  Just 3 months later than originally planned.

If a man cries out to God for courage; God does not simply hand him courage. Instead, he is given an opportunity to BE courageous.  If we are given something that has not been earned, we don't respect it and therefore, do not know how to use it.

There is no value in a trophy that has not been earned.

Thank you so much for your support.

Bren